


Be Dizzy

by marsbunny



Category: Heathers (1988)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-08
Updated: 2019-09-08
Packaged: 2020-10-12 07:48:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20560766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marsbunny/pseuds/marsbunny
Summary: Heather Duke knew something was wrong with her. How could anything be right in a world where she would always inevitably be dizzy?





	1. Always Dizzy

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: It's not in a lot of detail, but Duke throws up in the toilet early on in the chapter. A little later, her throwing up is mentioned again, but it doesn't actually happen.

I've learned some things about life. There's two sides to every story, you don't know what someone's going through if they don't tell you. If you get yelled at, there's most likely a reason for it. Heather Chandler has some struggles, for instance. Of course, she takes them out on me, but we're not all perfect. I've learned to accept it for the most part.

But what I can't accept is anything else in my life. How can I be happy hunched over a toilet? That's where I am now, thinking of Veronica. I had fell in love with her a little back, but ever since she's gotten with JD, she's been distant. I wish that never happened. I wish I could be happy for her, but I just can't. He doesn't seem like a good person to be in a relationship with. There's something... off... about him. It's not his style, I've seen people with that style before who were fine. It's the way he acts and speaks, the way he is around Veronica, breaking boundaries Veronica shared with me at sleepovers listening to Hot Probs. 

Soon, it's all over. I get on my feet and look into the mirror. I hate what I see. I feel disgusting. I'm sick just thinking of what I did, but I get even sicker looking at it. I flush the toilet and run far away from the bathroom.

-

School is what can only be described as an everyday hell. Most people have friends at school, but I don't really like my friends. Others like learning, but I can't concentrate on that. My mind wanders elsewhere while the teacher continues to talk on and on. Maybe I'd like coming to see Veronica, but whenever I see her, all I can think about is how much I want to kiss her and the fact that she already has JD; oh, how disgusted she'd be if she knew I daydreamed about my lips against hers. 

The bell keeps ringing. The sound is engrained into my mind. Sometimes I don't even know if the bell has really rung or if it was just my mind. My mind has been fucked up past saving. I stare down the hallway, forgetting how I even got out. I didn't even pay attention as I left the classroom, moving my way into the hallway. I see the cafeteria. Fuck, I hate lunch. Heather keeps talking and talking until the lunchtime poll, where she drags Veronica away from me, then we go to the bathroom where I'm mocked as I throw up, but I don't care. My mind brings me to believe I deserve it.

I sit across from Veronica. Heather McNamara next to me, I try to forget how much I hate everything. It's at this time each day that I realise how unreasonable some of my actions are. I'll never become Heather Chandler, but I've done some things I'd rather forget. This time each day is when I realise how much I hate everything my hands have touched. The floor, again and again, my hands almost always are touching what my feet fall against each day. When I fall to the floor, when I... I don't even want to think about it. Memories of Kurt and Ram flood into my mind. I wish I wasn't popular. I wouldn't have to do this. I wouldn't have to regret everything. I don't love them. I've realised it only recently, but I'm a lesbian. Veronica wouldn't care if I told her, but Heather Chandler would. I don't know about Heather McNamara, though. It's weird. Aren't Heather and Heather... dating in secret? Why would Heather care? Maybe for the sake of her popularity.

Veronica looks at me. Has she been looking at me for a while now? I haven't noticed if she had been. I'm too focused on everything else in my pathetic life. She looks like she wants to speak. Why doesn't she? Is she even looking at me, or am I crazy? My head's spinning, I can't think straight, I never can. I'm dizzy. I will always be dizzy. This is a fact I've only noticed now.

She seems to notice. I don't care if she noticed. She gets up. Is it lunchtime poll time? Fuck. Shit, shit, shit. It's always too quick. Heather McNamara smiles a bit at me as Heather Chandler leaves with Veronica. Why is Veronica such a beautiful soul? I'll never have her. I'll never have the chance, I'll die before I get that chance. My eyes follow Veronica. She's in front of JD, that weird motherfucker. That weird, suspicious, probably really untrustworthy, ugly motherfucker. How did he manage to capture her heart? Maybe instead of dissing him, I should get tips. Or leave him the hell alone. He has that murderous look in his eyes, as if he's about to kill. He'll strike any second.

-

Back at home, I close my bedroom door and slide down to the ground. This is fucking hell. I can't take it anymore. I want to die, but I have no clue how I'll do it. I have to continue living this life until it ends itself for me. An escape that I'll have to wait for. Days, months, years, decades. They seem like eternities, but no one truly lives forever.

I want to cry. I want to lash out. I want to scream. But I hold it all in, just hugging myself tightly, thinking of Veronica. A gentle touch, my back against the door. I can't truly escape, but being alone with my thoughts can be good, as long as the thoughts aren't cruel.

I fall to a sleep.


	2. Moment of Silence

Burning things, setting things on fire, letting yourself live without things. I feel hot, I feel like there's really a fire before me. I feel confused, I feel dazed. I feel dizzy. I look around. I fell asleep against my door. Fuck. I don't want to think about school. I can't let myself think about school. I get up. It's dark outside, and the clock reads 3:56 AM. Well, fuck. That's great. I can't fall asleep again, I'm not tired. I look around. Fire. I want to let myself live without things. Things that cause me pain. I can live without them.

I don't have a lighter, but I have enough mind to know how to leave things that cause me pain. I sigh and lay in bed. I want to call Veronica. Would she even be awake? If she was awake, she'd probably be with her creepy ass boyfriend. I don't wanna think about that. I just want to have peace in life. I need to burn the things that cause me pain out of my life.

I want to write. I need to get my thoughts out on paper. I'm not Veronica, but I need a diary. I get up and walk around my room. I've gotta have a notebook or something that's not in use, right? It takes time before I find out. It's green, but of course it is. First page. Dear Diary.

-

Holy shit. What? Heather Chandler is gone. Really? I never got to say goodbye. I didn't want to say goodbye. I'm better off without her. But what the hell? She's gone for good. She's never coming back. What? She committed suicide. What?! This story keeps getting crazier. I look to Veronica, I want to know how she feels. She looks kinda guilty. What? Damn. Damn! This is the craziest shit I've ever heard.

I look around at everyone. Sadness across each of their faces, they're mourning, they're crying. There are tears everywhere, you really can't find a single person that isn't crying. Well, if you looked at me, you wouldn't know what I was feeling. I don't even know what I'm feeling. I mean, I prayed for the death of Heather Chandler many times and I felt bad every time I did it but I kept doing it anyway. But how should I feel about this? It feels wrong. She controlled everyone at school. No one else can take her place. It feels wrong. She's gone, and she's never gonna come back. What? That's hard to think about. She can never come back. It's impossible for her to come back. What the fuck?

This all happened too soon. Like, right after Veronica got with that creepy motherfucker JD. This is a turning point in my life I wish I hadn't lived to see. It should've been me. Why'd she do it? I need to see her suicide note. I need to know how she truly felt every time she yelled at me to shut up, every time she mocked me through gritted teeth. How did she really view me, or was that it? Did she really see me like that? Did she really see me as a sad little poser? 

I need Veronica to hug me. She gives the greatest hugs, but now it's been reduced to little smiles at me. JD has all her time. I can't talk to her for more than five minutes before she's whisked off into whatever dark corner he takes her to. I wish I could get through to her, I wish I could tell her what I felt. I wish I knew what I felt. All I know is that I think I love her. That's all. I'm clueless to the whole love thing. All I know is that, damn, girls are perfect. Every little aspect of them. I'm not allowed to think that, but in the safety of my own head, where no one else can hear me, it's all good. Mind readers aren't real. I can admire whoever I'd like to admire in the safety of my own mind. 

Veronica. That's a name I like to think. I look over to her because I can't stop looking over to her. She has such a nice smile, but she doesn't wear it as much as she used to. I blame JD, but maybe it's nothing. Maybe it has nothing to do with him. Maybe it's because Heather Chandler is fucking dead! I'm selfish. Goddamn, did I just realise that? I've always been selfish. 

She looks back at me. A small smile. That's enough for me. I wave at her, she waves back. She looks away after. That was probably the shortest interaction I've ever had. She doesn't seem to care. She writes in her diary. I wonder if she ever writes about me. Would she be writing good things, or bad things? Who's her favourite Heather? It's probably McNamara. It'd never be me, and I've accepted that.

She's acting different than she used to.

-

Kurt and Ram killed themselves in a repressed homosexual suicide pact. This is all happening too fast. Hallelujah, but, this means they're gone forever. They can never come back. This hits harder when you think about that. I'm bad at processing death, but I know that part of it. 

How is this all happening so fast? Is this truly all suicide or is there a different culprit?

I had weeks to think but I spent them thinking on other things and now JD's in front of me asking if I'll replace Heather Chandler. Fuck him. I'll hold this grudge until I die.

"No."


	3. Different

Heather McNamara's reaction to Heather Chandler's death was crying until no tears were left. But somehow, she managed more tears when Kurt and Ram died. I never noticed this, I was too sucked into a world where I accepted myself and everyone was happy. But what does happy even feel like? I forget the feeling, it's been a while since I've properly felt it.

Veronica lashed out at JD. He stormed off. He was a different kind of angry. He slammed a door. I watched in fear as I hugged my legs to my chest. Veronica and I had our first meaningful conversation in a while. She slid against the wall and we spoke. She smiled at me. She touched my hand. She leaned a little closer. I controlled myself. There was no kiss, there was only the pain I felt in my chest. Angry at myself for even wanting a kiss. I shouldn't want that. 

Fear. That's a familar feeling. He came back, angry as ever. He had obviously just smoked. Veronica got up. Fuck. She left with him. I'm left confused. I can never think anymore. I can't focus at all. 

I wish she could stay with me. I wish I could hug her. I wish she'd tell me it was all okay.

-

Pep rally. I'm scared for whatever reason. Boom. I keep hearing things, seeing things, things that aren't there. I look around. I will always be scared. I could die just like Heather, Kurt, and Ram did. I could just drop dead at any second. I could be forgotten.

When everything's over, I see Veronica. She walks toward me. I smile at her. Why does she look like hell? I want to have explanations. Everything flies past me too fast. I don't want this to be one of those things. I look to her. "Veronica. You look like hell!"

"Yeah? I just got back," she smiles at me. I smile back. How could I not? I'm in love, that's for sure. "Heather, my love, there's a new sheriff in town." 

She kissed me. Holy shit. Did that just happen? She's still standing there. Why hasn't she left? "Are you Heather Chandler's replacement? Where's that JD guy?"

"He's rotting in hell," Veronica smiles. I smile back. "I'm gonna replace Heather, yeah. Be ready for that. Hey, you wanna catch a movie with Martha, Betty, and I? I might ask Heather, too." 

"Sounds fun," I say.

I wish she meant that 'my love'. Maybe she did. But I'm taking it all too seriously.


End file.
